Category Archives: MUSINGS

Chickens.

I’m always restless at this hour, it’s like the clock hits midnight and I’m hit with a sudden surge of frenzied energy; it’s when I do my best social-network creeping. Oh, you didn’t know I had a part-time job being a creepy internet stalker? Well, the cat is out of the bag. One of those really creepy hairless cats (gross). I love creeping, I love it so much I’ve found myself many a time 3 hours in and several hundred meters down the rabbit hole going through your third cousin’s husband’s best friend’s photos. Why? because I can, because a thumbnail image of something shiny caught my eye and I couldn’t help myself.

What did I find tonight? I found that she looks like me, or me like her, which is it? It’s the chicken and the egg.

Good things happen when you type "stalker chicken" into google.

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Happy New Year!

Just shy of a month now, and 2012 is off to a roaring start. I’m not one for making resolutions, most especially at New Year’s. It’s a time that finds us all reminiscing about the previous year’s events, most often focusing on the negative and glazing over all the wonderful things and deciding that we will change, grow, become better so that this year, the new one, will be the best year. But then you hit a hurdle and that hurdle is followed by an obstacle and suddenly we find ourselves wishing and hoping for the mythical future where things will change, the light at the end of the tunnel where we’ll have grown, and become idyllic versions of ourselves.

In my (albeit limited) experience, once you’re in the tunnel you begin to dwell on how dark it is, how you can’t see, you start to believe that the light is too far. Thing is, there is no tunnel, not really.

 Happy and content are not things you should aspire to be in future, they are something you decide to be in the present and then work to change whatever needs to change in order for you to feel content with who you are.  You might not be able to control circumstance and the world around you, but you can certainly control how you react, you’re never going to be happy if the glass is always half-empty.

This year, as last year, and the year previous, I am making an effort to light three sparks every single day – even the really dark ones,  I will:

  1. …accept and love myself as I am, 100%, even the neurotic paranoid crazy bits.
  2. …not dwell on the past. All the time you spend dwelling on the past, is time you waste in your present. Your past may influence who you are, but it does not define you. You decide who you are, no one else.
  3. …love. “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” -Eden Ahbez

Some days I succeed on all three, some days only two, some days one, and some days none, but every day I try and most of the time I’m not in the dark.  So I guess it’s working.

Something’s Gotta Give

Erica: I’m like the dumb girl that doesn’t get it. I’ve never been the dumb girl before. It ain’t great.
Harry: Let’s just calm down. I had these plans before I even met you. I mean, I do like seeing you. I do.
Erica: [scoff] Yeah.
Harry: I’m always surprised by it.
Erica: Surprised by it? What was I thinking?
Harry: I have never lied to you. I have always told you some version of the truth.
Erica: The truth doesn’t have versions, okay?
Harry: Will you cut me a little slack? My life has just been turned upside down.
Erica: Mine too!
Harry: Well, then let’s just each get our bearings.
Erica: I don’t want my bearings. I’ve had my bearings my whole goddamn life. I feel something with you I never really knew existed. Do you know what that’s like, after a 20-year marriage to feel something for another person that is so…? That… Oh, Right. Right. Not your problem. God. Do you know that I’ve written this, but I never really got it? Do you know what this is?
Harry: No.
Erica: [Erica kisses Harry] This is heartbroken. How’s that for impervious.
Harry: You’re killing me.
Erica: I just wish that it had lasted more than a week.
Harry: Me too.
Erica: That is a terrible thing to say. You know, the life I had before you I knew how to do that. I could do that forever. But now look at me. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do with all this?

Funny how sometimes movies have a way of hitting the truth nail on the head. I need to stop watching TV.

Risky business

Lesson of the day c/o brundiggity:

Take risks, take lots of them. Do things that you’re afraid to do so that you don’t ever spend a day wondering “what if?”

This has been a truly hard lesson to learn, but the more risks I’ve taken, the more I’ve gotten to know and truly appreciate the person I am, and that is undeniably worth every single risk.

Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel, always. Be you, and be okay with it.

-unknown

Beautiful mess

or maybe just a mess period. Here’s the deal, I have a good life overall, and I’m very grateful for all the things in it (even if I complain sometimes). But I’ve been in a very melancholy mood as of late and all I feel like is being sad and posting lyrics from overtly emotional songs that I feel really capture how I “feel” right now. Songs about rain, and the inability to breathe, know what I mean? I’m like a tumblr photo of train tracks with a helvetica type quote on it that has this really deep meaning. I’m letting Florence + the Machine and Adele’s delicious melodramatics take over my entire psyche.

That’s about to be over though, not the listening to Florence/Adele, that’ll never end. The feelings however, all 70 000 of them need to be stowed away in a pretty little box somewhere in the far back. It’s time to pull up my invisible bootstraps and put the pieces of whatever is broken back together. Even if I maybe want to leave some of them strewn on the ground like Hansel and Gretel hoping to find their way back home. It’s time for Britney Spears and the dancing, definitely the dancing.

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Mistakes I didn’t think I was making

This is going to be a long one, you’ve been warned. It’s late and I’m wired.

When it comes to relationships, men, boys, et al. I make a lot of mistakes, and they tend to be quite extreme–not necessarily the mistakes, but the certainly the risks that lead to those mistakes. The irony of it all is I’m not a person who lives by extremes, in fact I tend to veer away from them in all other aspects of my life. That’s not to say I don’t take risks, I do, just calculated and well-thought out ones; I’m not the ‘fly by the seat of my pants’ type. When it comes to men, it seems I throw logic right out the window and the baby with the bathwater.

I believe there are lessons to be learned, and that every failure is an opportunity to grow but the past year of my life have been a whirlwind of unnecessary lessons learned and damage done. It’s like I’m trying to catch up (to what I have no idea), or tick items off a checklist I didn’t know I was keeping. So, just a few short weeks ago I decided in a moment of clarity that it was time for  a break. I needed to take time away from dating to sort out my mind. Time I could now refocus back onto me, my friends, my goals, and my career. (ME ME ME) But first, I’d have one last hoorah, go out with a bang!

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oh lady, it ez like reaching for ze chips but bag ez empty

I miss you. It hasn’t even been a day and I miss you so damn much. Maybe because I know it’s the first of many days, days that very quickly will become weeks, and then months.

In my life, in 25 years, you are the best one. Now you’re gone and everything just hurts, and I know that it’s not the end because I don’t believe for a second that this could be it, but that doesn’t change this feeling.

Men in belted khakis with tucked-in shirts

Who thought this was a good idea?

There’s nothing attractive about khakis. Oh, and seriously why must some men pair it with a matching khaki vest and/or bucket hat, it just makes you look like you think you’re on safari, you’re not, stop.

I don't care what the Gap says, there's nothing that exciting about a pair of pants.

the worst – or maybe just the not so fun part

Dating – I suck at it.  Much more so when I actually like the person (no, don’t worry the ridiculousness of that statement isn’t lost on me).  This is a fact I’m well aware of, and just learning to live with.

The post-first date period of time where I have no idea where I stand, this is the worst. Even more so when you’re plagued with the thought that maybe the other person was just being nice and not in fact enjoying your company*.

I wish this was easier, but then it probably wouldn’t be as entertaining for my friends.

I know I can be a little much, maybe even a bit over the top (dramatic – ha!), but that’s part of the fun isn’t it? and it’s kind of what makes me me.

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Conversations I didn’t want to have during a bikini wax

Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Swift....

These conversations have actually happened.  I couldn’t make this shit up even if I wanted to.

  • Taylor Swift – I realize you don’t have the most entertaining job in the world, however I’m not particularly interested in discussing whether or not I feel Taylor Swift is deserving of the many accolades she receives.
  • Trying to guess whether or not I’ve had children – seriously?!? Because I’m not in a compromising enough situation…
  • Singing – I don’t care how much you like this song, you’re not in an industry where singing while you work is appropriate.
  • The previous client’s landscaping choice – umm, yeah, no.  Not interested.  Are you taking a poll?
  • Anything.  – Can we just get this done with? Really. A mutually agreed upon silence is what I’m looking for here.